October, 2009
Dear Friends,
“The ability to be present is a magic wand,” the minister said. She was talking about the wish we all share to be of use when someone we care about is struck by crisis or tragedy.
The minister was UU Rev. Karen Foley. She was leading a workshop on pastoral caregiving at our church. There were some 80 UUs present, teams coming from 16 congregations in our Northern New England District. There were 12 of us on the team from this church!
“The ability to be present is a magic wand.” Actually, it’s not as hard as most of us think. More than anything else it requires just one thing of us: the ability to listen, the ability to open our hearts and heads to what the other person is thinking, feeling, and needing, and to let them know we’re hearing what they’re saying.
Being present means listening. On the other hand, and here’s the catch, it does not mean giving advice, solving the problem, fixing “it,” whatever “it” is. Being present is like being an empty vessel that the other person can pour the pain of their experience into and know that it will be tenderly held. That is all. That is enough.
Karen told us we all listen faster than we can speak. She said we listen fast in order to have our answer ready before the other person is done speaking. Being present means wanting to hear more when the other person is done, not needing to jump in with a solution. When we can let another person know we really want to hear more, they can begin to understand they are really being heard.
We do this by repeating back what we have heard and by saying something like, “Have I actually understood what you just said?” Then we can follow on with, “Tell me how you are with what’s going on in your life.” I will sometimes say, “How goes it with your soul.” Dag Hammarskjold’s words say well what it means to be present, “Each day we must open the chalice of our being, to receive, to carry, and to give back.”
Oh let me be an empty vessel
For just this time I am with you.
Let me give recess to judgment and advice
Making space for your what and your who.
In Faith,
- Olivia |
